For Mama
It’s kind of crazy to think that every single human being who’s ever lived was brought into the world by their mother. There are all kinds of moms, and everyone has or had one. As far as moms go, they really don’t get better than mine.
I don’t say this to brag on myself - I had nothing to do with the fact that I have an incredible mom. Only by God’s gracious plan for my life did He make Laney Hicks my mother. She’s beloved by all who know her. She’s one of my very best friends.
It’s Mother’s Day, and today I write to brag on her, to shed light on her remarkable person and life. So much of the good in me is owed to her.
This one’s for you, Mama.
If you like good stories, you’ll love hers.
My mom was born Dixie Delane Smallwood in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (Roll Tide, baby. If I cared about football I’d be a Bama fan, cause you know my mama is.) Her mother, Martha, my precious nana was hardworking and sweet. Her daddy, Dixie, my funny, silver-tongued grandaddy was a charming and talented man liked and loved by many despite his drinking problem, despite the reasons he didn’t deserve to be. Mom had a younger sister and an older brother. She deeply loved her family.
Home life had some sweetness but not much stability. They moved from house to house. An alcoholic can ruin any home, no matter how much love is in it. Alcohol abused finds a way to abuse.
Though everyone in the house suffered, her mother bore the physical pain. One time my mom witnessed her dad holding her mother’s bloody, beaten body under the sink, trying frantically to rinse and revive what he nearly destroyed. It was one of many instances like this. And still she deeply loved.
Music was a big part of mom’s life from the start and one of the bests. Her father was an excellent musician, wooing many, including my nana with his playing and singing. Mom inherited his musical gene. If you haven’t already, I hope you get to hear her sing. She has a beautiful voice.
Her childhood had lots of singing. She loved to sing and people loved to listen. When she was 7 years old she started singing on a local tv show. She was given many opportunities to sing from then on. It brought her joy. It made sense. It would one day be her ticket out.
Mom was friends with everyone in high school. She was sweet and kind, friendly and so, so beautiful. She was head cheerleader and homecoming queen, and she deserved it. I know this because when I was a kid visiting Nana in Tuscaloosa I practically memorized mom’s yearbooks. My mom is an example that you can be a beautiful person despite the chaos going on at home or inside. My mom is an example that deep love overcomes.
Her dream was always to be a singer. She loved country music and dreamed of coming to Nashville, Tennessee to sing. Sometime after graduating high school this is exactly what she did. She moved to Nashville and signed with Monument Records. She had a record deal and sang on shows and on the road all by the age of 20.
A steel guitar player named Russ Hicks was in the band on the first showcase she played. He too was living his dream of playing music in Nashville. He too had come from a difficult small town upbringing to a city where dreams come true. Russ and Laney fell in love. This is the long and short of it.
They married 2 years later in a cathedral church in the seaside town of Blackpool, England where they had traveled to play a show. 3 years later they had their first daughter, my sister Holly. 3 years after that they had me.
Music was a big part of our home too. Sometimes mom and dad had to go on the road to play shows. There were a few times they were able to bring us. I believe I was 3 the first time I slept in a bunk on the tour bus, which was about the most fun I’d ever had.
Sometime in my early childhood my mom made a choice. Music as a career was very demanding of time. Though she loved to sing, the love she had for her girls was much deeper. She knew that time with us was precious, that we wouldn’t be little for long. She deeply loved her family. And she chose us.
As we grew older, our financial needs grew too. A musician’s salary is not always consistent and not always guaranteed. My mom wanted to find a way to make an income but still stay home with us. So she learned to sew.
Learning to sew turned into starting a business. She sewed everything from window draperies to clothes to furnishing entire homes with custom made items. A large room in our house became “Laney’s Loft”. She worked hard and long hours. She sewed a lot. She didn’t love to sew like she loved to sing, but this was the sacrifice she made. She made it for us. Deep love sacrifices much.
Growing up I never went without. By American standards we weren’t rich, but boy did I have a lot. Our home was a beautiful log cabin built by my dad on many acres of endless exploration by a lake in the woods. My sister and I played sports and did activities we liked our whole lives. We had a swimming pool and hosted pool parties every summer. We wore the prom dresses we chose and clothes that were in style. We got cars when we turned 16, as long as we kept our grades up. We went on an annual beach trip and on other vacations throughout the years to places my dad was booked to play. We graduated from private high school and colleges. We both had beautiful weddings.
Our bank account wasn’t rich, but our experiences were. My parents’ paychecks went to making sure of that, even when we lived by one at a time.
My mom and I have always been close. I’ve been told that as a baby I cried a lot and spent most of the time in her arms (Fast forward 29 years later and this is a similar seen with me and my little Penny.) I loved being with my mom and cried like a baby (again) when I had to start kindergarten. I loved spending time with her, and she loved spending time with us.
The love she had for us came straight from the love she had for God. It was an outpouring, just like it’s supposed to be. She showed us God’s love from my earliest memories on. We talked about Jesus, sang songs, read the Bible, went to church. But the most impactful lessons came from her actions. Her actions were a result of how deeply she loved.
My adolescent years brought change in the form of gradual rebellion (See my first entry titled The Goal.) I was still close to my mom, but some things I was doing caused shame and secrets and separation. Mom tried desperately to help me, even if that meant through the tough love of discipline. I put her through hell time and time again. Imagine her pain as her daughter slowly turned to darkness, refusing the warnings of where it would lead.
“One day when you’re a mother you’ll understand.” I heard that a time or two and rolled my eyes each time. I’m a mother now with a daughter of my own, and I love that little girl more than I could ever explain.
More clearly now than ever I understand my mother’s heart. The desire to be with us. The sacrifice to provide for us. The compelling to teach us about the lasting love of God through word and deed. The joy of watching us do the things we love. The urgency to keep us on the right path. The promise of giving us a great life. Her heart was dedicated to these things no matter how many times I broke it. I’m so grateful for that. And I’m so sorry for hurting her.
Today my mom and I are closer than ever. We are 2,000 miles apart and I can count on one hand the amount of times we see each other in a year. But we are connected soul to soul. Moving to California was my dream, and she made many sacrifices to make it happen. As much as it hurt to let me go, she knew all too well what it’s like to have a dream. She knew God would take care of me, that before I was hers I was His. She’d been praying for His protection over me from the time she learned I existed in her belly. I have her journals from 1984 to prove it. I am deeply loved.
I’m a far cry from super mom, especially by today’s standards. I feed my family gluten and refined sugar and can hardly make a meal without messing something up. Our house is never as clean as I’d like it to be. I don’t have an income and I fail to stay on schedule almost every single day.
But if there’s one thing I can claim, it’s that I couldn’t love my family more. The desire to love and live like Jesus and teach Penny to do the same is strong. The willingness to do anything I can for her is sure, even if that means tough love or sacrifice. The joy I have from being her mom grows more each day. I deeply love my family and could be with them all the time.
Mama, thank you. Thank you for teaching me everything that matters. Thank you for sacrificing. Thank you for letting yourself love deeply, even when it wasn’t returned. Thank you for finding joy in being my mom. Thank you for choosing us.
I’m overjoyed to be your daughter, to be connected to such a beautiful soul.
Happy Mother’s Day. I’ll see you soon!
